Top 10 Celebrity Babes

I thought I'd inject a little more testosterone into this blog with my next top 10 list. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say, and as such, it's something I find quite difficult to put into words. That's why guys invented the 10 point scale, although such a scale is meaningless for comparing the women on this list, because they're all 10's. Friends have criticized my 10 point scale as being too harsh. They say I never give out 10's. Well guys, here's 10 of them. No photos, because I don't own any and I don't want to leech other people's bandwith. Besides, a Google image search is easy enough.

10. Mila Kunis

I was never an avid viewer of That 70's Show. Still, I've seen around a couple dozen episodes over the years, and it's an undeniably funny show. It's just one I never got into. Mila Kunis' Jackie was bubbly cute, but also incredibly annoying, with a shrieky nails on the chalkboard voice. I didn't fully appreciate her natural beauty until I recently saw the hilarious Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Here, her character isn't a nag, so she uses her naturally adorable voice which has a throaty quality to it that I absolutely love, which a couple other women on this list share. She's also sporting a fine tan from the glorious Hawaiian sunshine, from where the movie was filmed. For any straight man that hasn't seen the movie, I present to you the Mila Kunis challenge: Watch Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and exit the theater without nursing at least a minor crush. You don't win anything if you do. I'll just think you're a liar and/or question your heterosexuality.

9. Elisha Cuthbert

Best known as Jack Bauer's epically stupid daughter that somehow lands a job at CTU, but also as The Girl Next Door, and a star in a couple terrible slasher flicks, Elisha Cuthbert is a blonde bombshell. She might be higher on the list if she'd done anything of note recently. I think it's pretty hilarious how seemless her transition from 24 to movies like House of Wax and Captivity was. In 24, she played Kim Bauer, the hot, stupid damsel in distress. Some Hollywood exec was paying attention: "We need her running, screaming, wet, bouncing, and let's stick a knife in her while we're at it". Kim Bauer was a frequently criticized character, but looking back, I'll take Elisha Cuthbert in a tight white T over the laughably bad CTU soap like the Morris-Milo-Chloe triangle any day of the week.

8. Jessica Simpson

Here's a babe I took a while to come around on. That wasn't gross innuendo, what I'm saying is, while I always acknowledged she was hot, I never got why some guys were so obsessed with her. Everything about her looks fake, and she's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. I'm not going to pretend I'm one of those guys that values smarts over looks, but I draw the line somewhere around not being able to identify basic metaphors (even if you don't know what the word metaphor means) like "Chicken of the Sea". In the end though, Jessica Simpson brushes up against that line but ends up on the right side. She's just that good looking. I admit I initially underestimated that.

7. Christina Aguilera

Remember the "Genie in a Bottle" music video? This came out way back when Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were duking it out for cutest slut on the planet (not an oxymoron BTW). Back then, I always came down fervently on Christina's side, and I know I was in the minority. Whereas I admit I was initially wrong about Jessica Simpson, history proves me right on this one. Even before Britney went bipolar and put on a few pounds too many, there was photographic evidence that Britney on TV was way hotter than Britney in real life. In the meantime, Christina kept on doing what she does best: being hot. OK, she had that weird Xtina dirty slut phase, but she was still hot.

6. Eva Longoria Parker

I admit it. I watch Desperate Housewives. Crazy and I watch a lot of the same shows, but I admittedly watch a few "chick" shows. He rarely passes up the opportunity to make fun of me for this. I justify watching some of these shows in a number of ways. First, if you check out the watercooler buzz for these shows, the audiences are usually watching for very different reasons than I am. They're interested in shipping (who is or should be hooking up), while I could usually care less about stuff like that. Good writing is usually something that attracts me to a show, and DH has plenty of that. Eva Longoria is another, and DH has plenty of that too. There's something about a woman that appreciates sports. Tony Parker is a lucky man.

5. Lauren Conrad

The Hills is another show I watch that is likely to induce eyerolls, but I can justify this one too. I read an interview recently where Christian Bale says he doesn't view American Psycho as a horror film, but rather as a black comedy. Similarly, I don't watch The Hills as a reality show, but rather as a sitcom. Give The Hills another shot with this frame of mind. It's fucking hilarious. All it's missing is a studio audience and a laugh track. (If you don't believe me, check out this video where James Franco and Mila Kunis re-enact a scene from the show, word for word: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/56c2d6a703.) Here are a bunch of girls and guys that were born on third and think they hit a triple. Everyone is amazing looking on this show, yet Lauren manages to stand out. She's been involved in a ridiculous feud over a possible sex tape (please Santa) with frenemy Heidi Montag. There's no reason to believe Lauren over Heidi, yet nearly everyone does. It's because she's adorable, and Heidi's got a terrible nose and boob job, and zero musical talent. That's really all there is to it. Well, maybe the soon to be trademarked Lauren Conrad stare is a factor. If you watch the show, you know what I'm talking about. It's the one where she opens her eyes up wide, tilts her head, and melts your heart and burns your soul.

4. Jessica Alba

Here's where the list may start to look a little generic. The previous 6 girls are 10's, but these could be 11's if the scale allowed it. I don't really know what to say about Jessica Alba. Just check out some pictures of her. She's really hot. Wait, I do have something to say. A couple years ago, she might have topped this list, but now she's a little too skinny for my taste. She looks a little bonier and less curvy than she did a couple years ago. I'm grasping at straws though.

3. Megan Fox

I think Megan Fox made Paramount at least $200 million. If you take Fox out of Transformers, you're left with nostalgia, eye candy, and Shia LeBeouf. I can sort of understand how that's a formula for a $150 million opening weekend, but I can't begin to fathom how this mediocre of a film made $700 million worldwide. It's not a secret that 14-30 year old males are Hollywood's most lucrative demographic. They're the ones that drag their girlfriends out to The Lord of the Rings or see Revenge of the Sith 11 times. They usually have a decent reason for seeing these movies multiple times, and Megan Fox is all I can come up with for Transformers. And in an age where you can type an actress' name into a search engine and have access to hundreds of photos at your fingertips, guys definitely don't need to go to the movies to get their hot chick fix. That's how hot Megan Fox is. Not only is she so hot that guys were repeatedly willing to fork over $10 so they could see her, when they could see her for free, she's so hot that she tricked many of these guys into thinking the movie was pretty good.

2. Natalie Portman

Now we're getting into the stratosphere. There are a number of things that are attractive about Natalie Portman. She seems to care about acting and usually picks good roles. She's an ivy grad. She looks like she was sculpted by the hands of God. Oh, and have you seen Closer?

1. Scarlett Johansson

Deciding between Scarlett and Natalie was tough for me. I think Natalie has a prettier face, but Scarlett definitely has the better body. And it's not like she doesn't have a pretty face. She's got lips that rival Angelina Jolie's. Plus, I have a thing for blondes. She's also got that throaty voice I love. I wonder if a man has ever said "no" to her. The only minuses are her typical Hollywood me too, "I live in a bubble" political opinions, and I think she might have an old man fetish.

So, how's my list? Who's too high? Too low? Missing? Doesn't belong? Let me have it. Leave a comment.

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