Buyer Beware: Paper Laptops

A***e's MacBook Air is the holy grail of mobile computing: a paper-thin laptop; how novel! Well, today, I unknowingly purchased a paper laptop.

Towards the end of the workday, I was tasked by a superior with purchasing a laptop for a new hire. I suggested we get one from W*****t, because they have "always low prices". I showed him an $800 D**l Inspirion on W*****t.com. The specs were more than adequate, so he handed over his corporate credit card and sent me on my way.

I rushed over to our local W*****t, 2.7 miles away from our small 5-story office building of which we occupy one suite on the fourth floor. I was in good spirits, as such a trip is more of an adventure rather than work. I made my way to the laptop section of the electronics department, and saw several D**l boxes locked underneath several empty display cases. I waited several minutes until finding an associate to open up the cage, so I could actually see the specs on the computers. I weeded through and picked the one closest to what we had seen online. I was a little bothered by the fact that the handle on the box was missing, but the box seemed to still be sealed, so I thought no more of it. With a swoop of the electronic pen at the register, I was on my way.

I arrived back at the office proud of my achievement, carrying in the new addition as a trophy. Eager to unpack this new baby, I used scissors to slice open the "check contents if unsealed" seal. I took out the box containing the manuals and discs, and set that aside. I took out the box that housed the laptop and opened it up. Inside the box, placed between the two pieces of styrofoam meant to protect the laptop was a bundle of several hundred sheets of printer paper. I sat for a few moments, in disbelief. This was one of the most surreal moments of my existence.

I brought this disappointment to my superior and he laughed. We realized we would both have to go back for this one. So, to the batmobile, we made the journey back to the place of purchase. We brought our paper laptop back to the service desk. He did the talking, "so, we bought this laptop half an hour ago. But, the unusual thing is that when we opened it up there was no laptop, just paper inside." A stoner kid returning a defective Millenium Falcon controller overheard, "Dude, did you just say you bought a laptop and it wasn't inside? Wild! Never heard that one before." And with that, he stumbled away.

We were left to face the music. The electronics dept manager came down and did some typing on the computer and talked on the phone for awhile. He then left us, saying he had to go get something. We waited for half an hour with nothing happening. The employing handling returns assured us that the manager would be shortly. Eventually, she did show up, in style. She arrived in the company of another employee, who said nothing, and only observed.

In a interrogation-lite, we were told to tell the story again. It felt more like she was my 1st grade teacher asking me to tell the truth about what happened at recess. "I took the laptop back to my office, cut open the seal, opened up the box, and it was just paper." Sternly she pressed, "You opened it up and it was just like this?" "Yes," I responded as earnestly as I could. She stared at my eyes for what seemed like 30 seconds. After which she gave her decision, "I have no way of knowing this is how you bought the laptop. No offense to you, but I can not know." I agreed with her totally. She continued, "I'm going to let you get a new laptop, we shouldn't but we are." My supervisor asked if we can open it this time. Smiling, the manager agreed that from now on laptops are to be opened every time.

Relieved, we took a walk back to the laptops. Picked out one that was a bit better, because we had gotten the last of the other kind. I noticed the handle was missing, too. We both expected another paper laptop. They opened it up at the service desk and let us inspect it. It seemed fine. So, we made our purchase finally.

On the return trip to the office my co-worker joked, "So, what'd you do with the real laptop?"
We enjoyed a hearty chuckle, but at what cost? Somewhere, there is an underground syndicate of fiends buying laptops from W*****t and replacing them with paper before re-sealing and returning them.

Back at the office, everything seemed to be in order with the second non-paper laptop, but being in its presence chills me to the bone. Was it just a coincidence that this second box had no handle as well, or had the laptop thieves already done something to this one. Hopefully, there is no GPS transponder guiding the thieves to our office's location, but only time will tell.